


hold on, i still need you

by ruzekhalstead



Series: halstead & upton one-shots. [24]
Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Description of Injuries, F/M, Upstead, even more jay/kim feels, hailey gets injured, jay halstead cries a lot, major jay/adam feels, normalize jay crying 2k20, ronald booth - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:56:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27661684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ruzekhalstead/pseuds/ruzekhalstead
Summary: jay finds hailey’s bloody, bruised and limp body in the alley behind her apartment.a rewrite of episode 5x18: ghosts.
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Series: halstead & upton one-shots. [24]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1634428
Comments: 14
Kudos: 59





	hold on, i still need you

**Author's Note:**

> hey everyone!! it's been a while. so a few things:
> 
> \- i started writing this ages ago, but never finished it. finally decided to power through and finish it 
> 
> \- so i realize that technically alvin and antonio were still in the unit when this episode happened but bc i started writing this after they both left the show, i completely forgot to include them. so i hope this is okay 
> 
> hope you enjoy this!! proud of it :)

It was no shocker that as a detective in the Intelligence Unit, Jay didn’t get much downtime. 

So, whenever he did find little bits of time, usually after closing a case and well into the evening, he found himself at Molly’s with other first responders or at the gym. Today was slightly unusual; they were in the middle of a case with Hailey undercover to take down a known drug trafficker, Ronald Booth. Jay knew he and Hailey had history, and it all led back to her old partner. He tried to talk to her about it and get her to be open with him — he could tell she was omitting things — but she shut herself down. And now more than ever, since Booth shot down the deal with Jay.

He could tell Hailey didn’t like it, even more so when Voight told her to shut the whole operation down, including her undercover apartment. Her jaw clenched and she stormed out of the room like a hurricane. Jay and Voight shared a single look, with Jay nodding, promising to check up on her.

That was his plan; get in a quick workout and stop by her undercover apartment to make sure she actually cleaned it out. 

He was tossing his gym bag over his shoulder, on his way to his truck, when he pulled out his phone to check for any updates. His eyebrows furrowed as he saw two missed calls from a number not registered in his contacts, but he somehow still recognized the number. He quickly called back, loading his belongings in his truck and got settled in the driver's seat. 

There was no answer, but the voicemail gave it away. It was Hailey’s undercover cellphone.

His skin instantly started to prickle. There should be no reason Hailey would compromise either of their undercover aliases by mixing their undercover world with reality. Unless something was severely wrong and he instantly started to panic.

Jay tried calling again, but there was no answer. 

He rapidly put his vehicle in drive and ripped out onto the road, heading for Hailey’s undercover apartment. That was where she was last — or so he thought; he actually had no idea and the guilt was eating him alive. 

It didn’t take him long to reach the apartment; he was literally speeding the entire time. As he bounded up the stairs, elevator forgotten, he reached Hailey’s door and knocked heavily. He called her name but there was no answer, so he shouldered the door and was instantly weary when it opened. 

Jay rushed in. The apartment was still full of Hailey’s things; it was slightly messy but it had been like that every time he came over. Hailey was not a slob, by any means, but she liked her leave her things wherever she wanted, never in a specific place. He thought it was cute; it lowkey reminded him of Erin and the damage she could do to a bathroom, but it was different. Hailey was different, he was different and everything was now different. 

He needed to find her.

Pulling out his phone, he dialled the precinct, all while rooting through her things and looking for any clues of where she might be or what happened. Platt answered the phone on the second ring and he was thankful for that.

“Sarge, it’s Jay. I need you to ping Hailey’s undercover phone right now,” he said urgently into the phone.

There was fumbling on her line. “I’m going to patch you through to Kevin upstairs. Jay, is everything alright?”

Jay’s mind was too preoccupied, picturing the absolute worst scenarios in his head.

“Jay.” Sergeant Platt called for his attention in a demanding voice. “Are you hurt? Where is Hailey?”

“I don’t know,” he muttered quietly, “she called me from her undercover phone and now I can’t find her but something’s wrong. I know something’s wrong.”

Jay heard typing from her end of the line. “I'll update Voight, just hold on, I’m going to transfer you.” Before she did anything else, she paused and continued, “Jay, be safe. Hailey will be okay.”

She didn't give him a chance to reply; she transferred his call in record speed and busied herself with contacting Voight. 

“Atwater, Intelligence.”

“Kev, I need your help." At this point, Jay sounded desperate, but he didn't care. “I need you to track Hailey’s undercover phone; I think something happened.”

He heard the clacking of a keyboard. “You got it,” Kevin replied quickly. Jay appreciated he didn't waste any time asking questions because he wasn't in the right mindset to answer without snapping. “It looks like she’s at her undercover apartment.”

“What?” Jay snapped. “I'm here right now and she’s not here.”

“Wait,” Kevin added, “she’s outside. In the alley behind the building.” Jay instantly took off down the stairs again, heading for the back door. “I'll gather up the team. Stay safe, bro.”

Jay pushed through the backdoor. “Thanks Kev.”

The alley was terribly lit, with a few flickering lights overhead. He raced further down the alley; she had to be here somewhere. He finally found her, but he sadly wished he hadn’t. 

Hailey was slumped against the wall, her normally bright blonde hair matted with dry blood. Her head lolled to the side, a sign of her unconsciousness. He couldn't see her face yet, but he was truly afraid of what it would look like. He could see her hands resting limply in her lap and they were bloody and bruised; defensive wounds because in no world would Hailey Upton not put up a fight. Her arms were littered in dark purple marks and his heart was breaking.

There was no other way to describe it; he felt like he was choking on air, his heart racing and exploding at the same time. He was frozen in his spot, and when he saw her flinch unconsciously, he finally snapped into action. 

His hands instantly went for her head, cradling her cheeks as he fell to his knees beside her. “Hailey, look at me,” he gently shook her head, willing her to open her eyes. Her face was just as bruised as he imagined; her lip was split and bleeding, her left eye swollen shut and there were various other cuts and bruises littering her skin. He tried to ignore the bruising in the shape of hands around her throat; the more he looked at them, the more he wanted to punch the brick wall.

In the heat of the moment, he didn't get the chance to pull out his phone and call for an ambulance. It had only been a few minutes, but he heard shuffling around him and spotted Adam and Kim running in their direction.

"Jay, is Hailey alr—" Adam started to say as he reached them but stopped immediately when he saw Jay cradling Hailey's limp body. "Oh my god," he muttered, his face paling instantly. Kim caught up to him but Adam shot out a hand to keep her behind him. "Jay, is she—"

"She's alive," Jay replied, shocked at the horse tone of his voice. It sounded like he'd just smoked a full pack of cigarettes, but really, he knew it was his body attempting to keep his emotions in check and not burst out in tears right there and then. Jay heard Adam yell out to Kevin to stay put to direct the ambulance to their placement in the alley.

Jay couldn't believe this was happening. If only he'd skipped the gym, and went straight to her apartment.

His guilty thoughts were starting to take a toll on him and he felt a single tear escape his eye and roll down his cheek.

Kim hastily pushed Adam's arm away and swallowed down a gasp at what she saw. Hailey's head was slumped against Jay's chest, and Kim wasn't sure what hurt her more, the sight of a bloody and unconscious Hailey or Jay's heartbroken and guilt-ridden expression. Pushing away Adam's hesitant hand on her wrist, she knelt down to Hailey's opposite side and placed a comforting hand on Jay's arm.

Feeling something on his arm, he looked up to notice Kim kneeling beside them. She didn't try to cheer him up and she didn't spiel any bullshit about how everything was going to be okay; she was just there, and that's all it took for the rest of his tears to escape.

The ambulance arrived and the paramedics took over Hailey's body, but Jay couldn't feel anything.

Adam pulled him back when his legs weren't functioning on their own. He held onto Jay's shoulder, squeezing it in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. Together they watched Hailey get loaded onto the stretcher and into the ambulance. He saw one of the paramedics say something in his direction, but his senses were shot and he couldn't process anything. Adam nudged him forward in the direction of the ambulance, as if prompting him to go with. As if he was shocked, he was sucked back into reality when the cardiac monitor Hailey was attached to flatlined.

"She's crashing!" The paramedic yelled. "Step on it, we have to go _now_!"

As Jay took a step forward, the paramedic closed the doors as the ambulance rushed away.

It took a full minute, but the panic Jay had been pushing down clawed its way back up his throat.

"Fuck," he choked, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. He didn't get to go with her; she was _crashing_ and he didn't get to say anything to her. "Fuck!" He swore, louder, unable to breathe but also unable to stop himself from panicking. His vision blurred once again and he couldn't see anything as he paced. He felt someone's hands on him, probably Adam, but he ripped away from their hold. He was feeling too much; anger, panic, desperation, pain.

It all came to a head when he whipped around and smashed his fist into the brick wall.

"Jay!" He heard Kim's voice but it was Adam who wrapped his arms around him and pulled him away from the wall.

"Take a breath, okay?" Adam was standing in front of him now, crouched down to meet his eye line. "She needs you. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear right now, but you need to get your shit together. It's _Hailey_ ; she's needs us. She needs you."

Jay nodded, hastily wiping his tears away with his good hand. His other hand was throbbing, and he was positive he did some serious damage, but he couldn't find it in himself to care as he followed Adam, Kim and Kevin to their car.

* * *

When they reached the hospital, he felt even worse, if that was possible.

Voight was already in the waiting room, chatting with Will; both were wearing grim expressions.

"Jay," Will exclaimed in a worried tone. He wasn't sure why until he glanced down at his shirt covered in blood stains and his obviously injured hand. "Are you okay?"

Jay shook his head. "Is Hailey okay?"

"Jay, we should really look at your han—"

"Is Hailey okay?" He repeated in a slightly more forceful but desperate tone.

Will sighed, glancing at Voight quickly. His eyes then flickered to Kim, Adam and Kevin hovering behind Jay, all with hopeful expressions. "She coded in the ambulance, but the paramedics got her back. She has some internal bleeding and a serious head injury."

Jay stumbled back, his heart breaking all over again. "Is she going to be okay?"

"I—" Will paused, worried eyes darting to Jay's broken expression. "It's too early to tell."

Jay nodded, swallowing harshly. His whole world was starting to fall apart around him; he felt like he was drowning with nothing to hold onto to keep him afloat. He should've gone over sooner; he knew better. He knew Hailey and he knew how determined how she was. He saw the look in her eye when she left Voight's office; he should've been more careful, more cautious.

"Hey," Will murmured, crossing the room to place a hand on his arm. "Let me take a look at that hand." Jay started to shake his head, but his vision was clouded with tears and he knew he was about to lose his head. "Come on," Will mumbled, leading him out of the waiting area and into a trauma bay.

Will didn't talk much. He could clearly see his brother wasn't in the right state of mind to hold a conversation, especially one about his feelings. Jay sat there, crying silently as Will cleaned his wounds and wrapped his hand. Jay felt like a mess and he certainly looked the part. His hand was busted up, his clothes were covered in dirt and blood and his hair was all rumpled from the many times he'd pulled on it that night.

"Alright, I'm done," Will said. "You can wait in here if you want. I can go get an update."

Jay wiped his tears with his good hand, and looked over at Will. "No, it's okay. I should go be with the unit."

"Yeah," Will replied softly, "I think you all need to be together right now."

"Will you let me know as soon as you hear anything?" Jay asked quietly.

Will nodded his head. "Of course."

* * *

The next few hours passed by as slowly as humanly possible. Jay felt useless sitting in a chair, but his body was so physically drained, he literally couldn't do anything else. The unit stayed with him the entire time. Voight was in and out of the waiting room, his cell phone pressed to his ear, while Kevin stayed rooted in his seat without moving a muscle. Kim stayed glued to Jay’s side, occupying the seat next to him; she stayed near and silent and only made her presence known when she squeezed Jay’s knee every once in a while. Adam was unable to sit in one spot too long so he rotated chairs, stepped outside every once in a while and made the coffee runs. Even when Jay shook his head that he didn’t want it, Adam pushed the cup into his hand because he looked exhausted and they still had such a long night ahead of them. Sergeant Platt stopped by with food for everyone; she couldn't left after, but instead she took a seat beside Kevin and stayed.

Jay had never been so grateful for the unit before; for his family.

It took hours of excruciating silence and unbearable anxiety but Will finally came back into the waiting room with a hopeful expression. Jay immediately scrambled his feet, along with everyone else.

“How is she?” Adam asked immediately. The urgency and desperation made his voice crack; after the many hours they’d spent in the waiting room that night alone, he was anxious for any sort of information.

A small smile spread over Will’s features and Jay felt his lungs inflate with a clear, non-shaky breath for the first time since he found her in that alley.

“She’s awake. It was touch and go for a bit, and we still have to be careful and monitor her head injury, but her odds are really good. She’s going to be back at work in no time.”

Jay let out a breath of relief.

Kim placed a hand on his bicep, and when he turned to her, he noticed her brown eyes were filled with tears for the first time that night. Immediately, he enveloped her in a tight hug; they both craved that sense of comfort that they could only find within each other, within the family.

“She won’t be awake for much longer; she’s going to need a lot of rest. But she can probably take a visitor or two right now.”

With a nod, Voight turned in Jay’s direction. “Jay?”

He pulled away from Kim, who shot him an encouraging smile. “Uh, yeah. Thanks, Sarg.”

It wasn’t often that Hank Voight showed emotion, but Jay could clearly see the relief in his expression and in the way he was working his jaw. Before following Will, Jay made sure to check in with Kim to make sure she was okay; she had been so supportive that night, all of his friends had.

“I’m okay, Jay,” she reassured him gently. “Go see our girl. Tell her we love her and we’ll visit her tomorrow when she’s feeling better.”

Jay nodded with a small smile; he squeezed her hand.

“Yeah bro,” Kevin piped up, patting Jay’s shoulder. “We got this. Hailey would want to see you right now.”

Adam shot him a strained grin; he was so happy Hailey was going to be okay, but he was still unbelievably pissed someone would do this to his friend. “I’m going to kill that son of a bitch who did this to her.”

Adam knew this was a happy moment and all, but the rage filling him was inevitable. And he knew Jay would feel the same way.

“Not without me,” Jay growled in response. “You guys should go home, get some rest. I’ll update you guys soon.”

His teammates agreed and said their goodbyes and Jay found himself following Will towards Hailey’s room. Before they entered, Will paused in his stride, turning to say, “you should prepare yourself. It looks worse than it is.”

With that in mind, it took every ounce of willpower in Jay’s body not to fall to his knees and scream when his eyes landed on his partner. He wanted to yell, he wanted to hit something, but most of all, he wanted to go back in time to make sure his never happened. He knew the saying; “it’s going to look worse before it looks better.” He knew this was the case with Hailey’s injuries, but it truly hurt him to see her like this. He found her; he saw her injuries firsthand, but now he was able to see them clearly, without a dingy alley streetlight. She was absolutely covered in bruises, so Jay forced his eyes to focus on hers.

They were still the brightest blue he’d ever seen. Even with the dark circles around them and remnants of the beating she received, her eyes were still electrifying. The color itself was one thing, but the void look emanating was another. They had lost all sparkle, it was almost like she was staring through him.

Jay was glad Will excused himself the moment he got in the room because he had already cried enough in front of Will and his unit. And seeing Hailey in this position, lying broken in a hospital bed, he couldn’t help himself and the tears that spilled out of his body. Even when she reached out for his hand, murmuring a few words, he couldn’t stop; it was all too much.

“Hailey,” he gasped, collapsing at her bedside. “You — I’m so sorry, I should’ve been there. I shouldn’t have let this happen. I’m _so_ sorry.” He choked out between tears.

Hailey reached her hand out, tangling it in the back of his head as he cried into her bed. “Don’t you dare blame yourself, Jay Halstead.” He was genuinely surprised at how strong she sounded, despite her appearance; her voice was a tad bit raspier and slightly weaker, but she spoke with a fierceness only Hailey Upton could muster. “The way I see it, you _saved_ my life.”

“No,” he replied instantly, drying his cheeks. “You saved yourself. You held on. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met, Hailey.”

Hailey’s blue eyes watered. “God, I’m so happy to see your face right now. Even through my swollen eye.”

Jay choked out a laugh, harbouring on the edge of a broken sob. “I was so scared, Hails; you scared the shit out of me.”

“I’m sorry,” she responded with an apologetic smile. The hand that had been tangled in his hair was now warmly clutched in his grasp. “I don’t know what happened; Booth j—”

Jay squeezed her hand, clenching his jaw. “Please, let’s not talk about that. I can't think of him right now or else I’ll track him down and do unspeakable, very illegal things.”

"Please don't leave," Hailey whispered quietly. She knew the chances of him actually leaving this room were very slim, but even just hearing him talk about the possibility caused her anxiety to crawl up her throat. "I really don't want to be alone."

Jay shifted from his seat on the bed. "I'm not leaving," he promised fiercely. "Hailey, I — I don't ever want to leave you again. I never want to feel like that again, I never want to find you bruised and bloody in an alley. I can't go through that again." She opened her mouth to interrupt him, but he powered through. "And I know this isn't about me and I'm making it about me, but _Hailey_ , seeing you like that destroyed me."

Hailey was at a loss for words; he was throwing so much at her, she didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry," she repeated.

"We're partners," he continued, wringing his hands together nervously. "But you're so much more to me than that."

"Jay," Hailey whispered warningly. They were reaching into dangerous territory.

Jay shook his head stubbornly. "I'm not good at expressing my feelings, you know that. And I don't really know what I'm feeling, and this could be nothing. But I think I want it to be _something_."

Hailey's eyelids were growing heavy. "What are you trying to say, Jay?"

"I'm saying you're important to me and I want you in my life, more than just my partner."

A soft, sleepy smile spread across Hailey's features. If her body didn't hurt so much, she would've place a gentle hand on his cheek and wiped away the remnants of his tears. Jay was the epitome of a stone cold badass and he avoided showing emotion at all costs. So, the fact that he was able to express what he felt for her through his actions meant more to Hailey than any word that could come out of his mouth.

"Shit," he swore suddenly, biting his lip nervously. "I'm sorry I'm laying this all on you right now. You need to focus on yourself and getting better; just forget everything."

Mustering up just enough energy to grasp onto his wrist before he moved off the bed completely, Hailey held on with the little strength her body had left. "Don't you dare, Jay."

Jay smiled, taking notice of the clear exhaustion on her face. "Hey, I think it's time you get some rest. I'll be here when you wake up."

"Promise?"

"I promise. I'm glad you're okay, Hailey."

"Me too. Thank you for finding me."

"I'll always find you, Hails."

**Author's Note:**

> few more notes:
> 
> \- i also realize that this took place in season five so obviously upstead doesn’t have the development they have now. so maybe jay wouldn’t have actually gone into such a romantic confession.. but i’m upstead deprived so just go with it pls 
> 
> \- also, i’m very proud of jay halstead in his story and his ability to express his emotions…. #normalizejayhalsteadcrying 
> 
> hope this was okay!!! :)


End file.
